To assess your level of intimacy (emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, and spiritual), take a short Intimacy Quiz, developed by Terrence Real, an expert in working with couples.
Answer the questions as honestly and realistically as possible. Do not exaggerate or downplay your experience.
1] When I open up to my partner and share vulnerable feelings I mostly feel
a. understood and supported
b. like my partner is interested but not very involved
c. like my partner moves in to "solve my problem" or else gets defensive
d. At this point, I don't open up to my partner much
2] I feel like I understand my partner's insecurities because
a. he/she talks to me about them and asks for my support
b. he/she mentions them without much emotion
c. I can tell when my partner's upset even though he/she doesn't talk about it
d. Much of the time I honestly don't know what's going on inside my partner's head
3] Spending time alone with my partner is most often
a. relaxing and a treat just hanging out together
b. fun if we are sharing something that we both enjoy
c. not as much fun as being with other people together
d. mixed bag, sometimes enjoyable but sometimes tense
4] When we have a conflict we
a. may blow up or get heated, but then talk about it and work it out
b. We rarely have conflicts, we sometimes disagree but it just works out somehow on its own
c. There's a lot of conflict, either open or unstated, in our relationship, but we don't address it
d. We used to fight a lot, but we've pretty much given up
5] In our views on how to live life [money, raising children, values] we
a. don't always agree but are able to respect each other's differences, even if they grate from time to time
b. share a lot of common interests. Our values seem similar enough to not create problems
c. have very different values on many issues, but discussing them doesn't get us anywhere
d. usually disagree. My partner tries to control many aspects of our lives
6] When I share ideas with my partner about myself or the world, I generally feel
a. stimulated and respected. I'm interested in my partner's opinion and feel the same back
b. like my partner listens respectfully, but is really more concerned with his/her own thoughts and ideas
c. like my partner turns to others for intellectual companionship
d. like my partner rarely gives me the credit I deserve. Sometimes, he/she just acts like I'm stupid
7] I feel judged and criticized by my partner
a. only rarely
d. most of the time
8] My partner and I are physically affectionate [hold hands, cuddle, put our arms around each other]
a. a lot
d. almost never
9] Sex with my partner is
a. a place where we connect even though it's hard to make time for it sometimes
b. satisfying if a bit routine
c. something I'd like to see more of, but I need to feel connected first
d. is infrequent and not satisfying
10] When I think about the two of us growing old together, I
a. imagine it well be great to be unconstrained by our many responsibilities and that we will enjoy the world together
b. think we will be good companions who can trust each other
c. wonder if we have enough in common to share a good life together
d. worry that without the glue that's been holding us together, things may get worse between us, or we might drift apart
For each "A" give yourself 4 points, "B" - 3 points, "C" - 2 points, "D" - 1 point and total your points.
35-40 Relationship rich in intimacy.
30-35 Solid relationship .
25-30 Workable relationship but one that lacks real connection.
20-25 Troubled Relationship.
15-20 Shaky Relationship with few positives holding it together.
10-15 Disastrous Relationship - either psychologically abusive or with no intimacy at all.
If you are scoring anywhere below 30 points, you may want to consider seeking out some counseling. If you are scoring below 25 points, it is strongly recommended that you seek help. Contact me today to schedule an appointment.